I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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