when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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