I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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