I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
