Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize