found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
