hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
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I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away