i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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