She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize