Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
