I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
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I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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