I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
