you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
