How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
