My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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