why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
