I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
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future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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