There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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