All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
