there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
