Soap is not a condiment
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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