I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
