I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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