i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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