I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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