Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
