Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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