You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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