Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
