I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
