just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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