"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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