My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
