please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
