Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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