I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
