are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
