I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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