When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize