i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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