I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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