my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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