She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
