yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
