Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
