I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
