Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it