saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
