Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
