Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
