Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
