And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
