There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
