forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We just shotgunned beers for America
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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